We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
