no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
