my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
