I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
there is puke in my bra ... again
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
