Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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