i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i think im in europe. pls send help
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
