You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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