I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
