You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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