I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
