Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
