Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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