dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize