my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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