i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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