I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
