Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
