At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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