dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
