we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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