I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
