I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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