If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
