Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
