Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
