yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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