also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
