Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
