Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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