I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize