All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
