My liver just broke up with me...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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