I think my fart just growled at me.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
