I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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