I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize