Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
