Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
ugly people sure do ruin things
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
