remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
