Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
