Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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