I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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