I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
