I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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