she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize