so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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