Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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