I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize