Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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