I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
