he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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