My first STD was from a foam party
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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