last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
