Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
