I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
