Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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