So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize