Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
