i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
