you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You need Xanax blowdarts
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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