He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
