Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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